"i know i'm not the one you thought you knew back in high school

I want two things right now, and in the condition that I am in, I can't have either.  I need to improve, so here's my self-assessment:

The "outie" me:

I'm way out of shape.  I would say "fat," but people object to that word.  I'm not stupid; I have a very realistic body-image (I'll always have bigs arms/calves, whether it be from muscles or fat, and i could lose 50 pounds and i still have a more-than-ample ass).  I don't get enough sleep.  It shows, and I always feel lethargic.  My eating habits flat out suck.  I have lost all semblance of will power.

goals: work out more, sleep more, eat healthier

The "innie" me:

I'm pretty much a basket case.  It's easy to ignore things when you're across the country from them, but they'll still always come back and smack you in the face.  I've pretended to be so strong for so long, and I'm not.  I can clearly recall the night I truly saw myself, the night I knew that I wasn't what I thought I always was.  Chrisse and Jesse we're straight up trashed, and Chrisse was having a rough time with an illness in the family.  I was having my own issues, and I was pretty much stretched to my limit.  I tried to console her, pretty much didn't help at all, and told her to pass the champagne.  I then had to call Neal up, because  I couldn't be a good enough friend for Chrisse on my own.  That's when I knew that I had kept my own shit contained pretty well for a long time, but now I couldn't control what my life had become.  I've realized that I've been lost this whole summer but I keep telling myself that I know exactly who I am.  All I know is that I push too hard, and I am never ever satisfied.  The times where I'm truly happy and enjoying life don't stay that way for long because I look back at them and overanalyze and find something wrong with who I was or what I did at that time.  "I think it's time that you let loose"... I wish, for once, I would just let myself be normal, be average.

goals: to be honest with myself... which is manifested through journal writing and/or confiding in friends. 

The social me:

i've been a recluse all summer, which is okay.  i get pretty bored here in mahomet, to be frank.  it seems like we all just drifted apart-- but that's okay.  i miss dancing. like whoa.  i miss meeting random people, and i miss wendy.  i used to think that i drank too much, but i've only drank one night this summer, so i consider that a rousing success.  i've decided that alcohol can be a nice additive to a night, as long as it's not the focus of the night.  i think that i'm pretty tame and safe during all my wild wanton nights. 

goals: surround myself with people who make me laugh, for that's the key to a great night.  oh, and if it feels wrong, get out.

The scholastic me:

super psyched about chem engineering.  i'm pretty burnt out though with all the crap i've been doing this summer.  that's why i'm going to just relax in europe, and take time at school to really enjoy the college life.  i have piss-poor study habits, which i desperately need to fix.  i do not like my professors that much, and i desperately want to get the joy of learning back.  working on it by reading the 101 books every high schooler should read (loving this challenge), but i really dont' have enough time. damn the man.

goals: learn to turn off all distractions and focus solely on school.  (but how do you turn off people?)

The ambitious me:

like i said, i want two things now.  one is most certainly unattainable, and the other is pretty damn near unattainable.  i'm going for 1 out of 2, but don't be surprised if i get both.  like a vietnamese tiger!

goals: just trying to light that fire under my butt, and to make sure that i don't give up on my dreams.